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BenniBoi
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Name: Ben
Birthday: 11/24/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Becoming an artist! Music such as Bad Religion, Minor Threat, Horrorpops, Drisden Dolls, Killers, Tsunami Bomb, Vandals, Transplants, Chronic Future, Buzzcocks, The Blood Brothers, Goldfinger, Rise Against, Pennywise, Rancid, Black Flag, Lars Frederiksen & The Bastards, Casualties, Distillers, Circle Jerks, Melee, Tiger Army, Flogging Molly, Dropkick Murphys, Coheed and Cambria, and more!
Expertise: Dancing of course. I'm also a kick ass singer , and drum player. NOT! I'm have expertise with the ladies, but I'm not so into the lady thing. I also am the most kick ass street racer in my kick ass car.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Computers (Software)
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  bencookinlately
Member Since:
10/23/2003
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| - Ambulance
You know something is wrong when Blood Brothers doesn't seem angry
anymore. Hopefully I'm wrong and its not just going to get worse. I
have a sneaking suspision it might get worse though. Hold on to your
hats people, this could be quite a ride.
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| Long time since my last update... So I guess I'll write something.
Humms I've been working alot. And by alot I mean most of the time. I'm
having second thoughts about staying in Dallas for school. I really am
tired of this place, and thinking about staying here for another 4
years is kinda scary. I'm hoping somehow its not so boring at UTD. I
really doubt there will be much more to do there than now. Which is not
a good thing. O well. Later guys
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| - The Perfect Fit -
i could make a dress
a robe fit for a prince
i could clothe a continent
but i can't sew a stitch
i can paint my face
and stand very very still
its not very practical
but it still pays the bills
i can't change my name
but i could be your type
i can dance and win at games
like backgammon and life
i used to be the smart one
sharp as a tack
funny how that skipping years ahead
has held me back
i used to be the bright one
top in my class
funny what they give you when you
just learn how to ask
i can write a song
but i cant sing in key
i can play piano
but i never learned to read
i can't trap a mouse
but i can pet a cat
no i'm really serious!
i'm really very good at that
i can't fix a car
but i can fix a flat
i could fix alot of things
but i'd rather not get into that
i used to be the bright one
smart as a whip
funny how you slip so far when
teachers dont keep track of it
i used to be the tight one
the perfect fit
funny how those compliments can
make you feel so full of it
i can shuffle cut and deal
but i can't draw a hand
i can't draw a lot of things
i hope you understand
i'm not exceptionally shy
but i've never had a man
that i could look straight in the eye
and tell my secret plans
i can take a vow
and i can wear a ring
and i can make you promises but
they won't mean a thing
can't you do it for me, i'll pay you well
fuck i'll pay you anything if you could end this
can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...
fuck i'll give you anything if
you can make the damn thing work
can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
fuck ill pay you anything
if you can end this
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?
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| - I really wanted The Horror pops but they didn't show up! They are an awsome fem band... Kinda like the Distillers - -
Wow. I just read my xanga from the start, and I might say that it is
quite interesting. I really have come along way. I also can't believe
that school is almost over, and then its off to college! Just for
everyone to know, in case you were wondering, I will be attending UTD
this fall as a freshman. I will be majoring in art, and more
specifically Arts in Technology. Someone asked me if I was pissed of
that I can't go to UT anymore. Really, thats prolly about the best
thing thats happened in a while. I was blinded really by my desire just
to run from here, I didn't really think about my college. I just wanted
away, but thinking about it UTD is really an awsome place, and I'm
actually excited about it. I'm not angry at all about not being able to
attend my first choice college because in the long run I really think
UTD is a better fit for me. Especially because they have the Arts in
Technology major that UT was lacking.
Reading my xanga, I relized that this place has only been used for
ranting, but in all honesty my life doesn't suck. I really am having a
great time, and when I come here its usually because something crappy
is going on, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Thats better
now because I have people to talk to. That should be pretty evident
because my entired dropped off in october and just recently resumed
without so much negativity in them. I really have a great life filled
with great friends and my great family. I have nothing to complain
about, especially since all my preivious problems have cleared up. I'm
no longer self concious about being gay. I don't feel the shame I once
felt about being myself. I don't feel ostracized constantly anymore.
I'm actually feeling great about everything. The only complaint I have
is still the lack of a boyfriend which has extended since the creation
of this site, but this isn't a big issue for me anymore because I
actually feel like I have support from my friends now. I used to feel
like I supported my friends, but now everything has totally turned
around.
This is a private entry (I have about 20 entries like this which are
VERY interesting but they are mostly private stuff) I actually write
alot more when I know people won't be reading. I also get pretty
poetic. lol
"Funny how now that noone can see this I can be myself again.
You would think that after all the time being in the closet I would
learn that being someone your not isn't very fun, but you would be
wrong on that point... It is still easier to not say what you're
feeling. Especially when there is absolutly nothing you can do about
it. Grrr When you girls start complaining about not having a guy
atleast you have the option of getting one... Even if I want one there
is noone to get. If you have the option and you are just to
nervious/wimpy to do it then don't complain. My god... If I knew
someone was gay, and I was attracted tot hem I would take the chance so
fast. Maan I wish that would happen too. I feel like my highschool life
is slipping through my fingers like sand. I try as hard as I can to
grasp it, and some how it still flows through my fingers. Everyone else
had been drunk, stoned, or "been" with someone. I get to do none of
this... Its not even that I would want to do those things, but I would
atleast like the offer... I mean I haven't exeperienced anything my
entire life... The most overwhelming emotion I have ever exeperienced
is saddeness... I want for once to have something happy.. Something
only I can have, and not have to share it with you... I want MY life. I
want to finally be a person... I want to have friends...
About having friends... I mean I have friends... And I even have
friends I would trust with most anything I would want to tell them...
The only problem is I have NO support. If I am in need I have noone...
If I become depressed I just fall into the bottomless pit of my heart
without having the luxries that everyone else takes for granted...
Don't give me your crap about not having someone. EVERYONE of my
friends but me has someone. Whether they are on good tearms witht his
person or not it doesn't matter.. They have someone to catch them as
they fall. As I fall, all eyes turn to me. They see my decent torwards
the sharp rocks at the bottom of the pit of my heart. Yet they are to
busy with thier "others" to help me... I know how this feels. The
sinking feeling as you fall, and then relize, "Noone is going to help
me... Here comes the bottom." Just before I hit the ground I stop
myself, and use my willpower to force myself to stand tall and proud at
the top of the crevice. I stand tall, without fear of falling because I
realize I can stop myself from falling better than they can. The
strength in solitude is when the real power lies. The integrety of a
person, but integrety doesn't add happiness. I can stand tall through a
storm. Unwavering, standing face torwards the coming malstrom. The
flashes of lightning. The torrent of tears from your sky hit my body
and I stand tall. Yet when the wind changes your direction and the
strom blows my over the edge. You don't stand tall. The lightning
strikes you down. You fall faster than me, heated and accelerated by
the tears and lightning of my southernly blown storm. You can't stand
tall. Woah... Lol I tried to go all Plath there... HAHA Didn't work...
well Kinda, but not really. I don't have the talent of Plath. She was
VERY talented. Her poems were actually touching and meaningful. I like
Plath.Its late I should sleep, but venting is fun.What I would really
like is a set of friend who are all close and get along. I have never
had that.. I have a hodgepodge of friends. One there some here. I can't
hangout witht hem all, and when I choose them over you you get angry.
I'm sorry I need someone else besides you.. You are allowed to have
"someone", and I'm not even allowed to have the rest of my friends..
Well sorry, but I'm not yours."
I like the focus on drugs, alcohol, and sex... What was wrong with
me back then?! Why would I want to get drunk, stoned, and then have sex
so bad? I'm glad I finally outgrew this "Being left behind" thing I
went through.
[[Edit]] HOLY CRAP! I had alot to say tonight. I guess I'm finally
growing up. I really think I am. The last two week have been alot of
growing for me. Its been a good thing. I guess its about time.. *sigh*
Highschool was fun.
PS- I have the greatest friends in the world! All of you!
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| coin
operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy
made
of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....
coin
operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......
this
bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.
and
if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath
coin
operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of
me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.
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